Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
