my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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