Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
