Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
