i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize