i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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