so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
