i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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