you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
