Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
