my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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