Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
