thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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