I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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