I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
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She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
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Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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