Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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