dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My balls are so social today.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Randomize
