i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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