My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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