I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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