Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
