you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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