Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
