i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
