we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
