The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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