I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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