im six kinds of drunk right now
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
