I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
