I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
