I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
