Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
