Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You dont lie about slip and slides
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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