Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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