Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You left your phone here
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