We're like a lot better than the average bears
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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