Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
