I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
