I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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