My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
