You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
