If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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