why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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