his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
