sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
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You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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