i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
