Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
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what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
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Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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