when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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