In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
