gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
