A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
