i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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