someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
