My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
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My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
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The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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