Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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