the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think your dad took our porno
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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