god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
