Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
