Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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